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Behind the Scenes of Ambition
- Flor Carabez
- Jul 25, 2022
- 4 min read
Don't let today's festivities fool you; this post is no joke.
I woke up this morning at 4 AM to dog piss all over the kitchen floor, not being able to fall back asleep (what a way to start my 29th birthday, I know). After cleaning up the mess and a thirty-minute attempt to return to my unconscious state, I decided to read my current book Sometimes I Lie.
As I'm scrolling through the novel, my mind can't help but reflect on the last 365 days (good 'ol refection skills).
All weekend, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't find genuine happiness.
It sucks to say, and I feel so ungrateful, but I just couldn't find a reason to celebrate. So, I was going to write my thoughts in my journal, but I thought my unpacking might help someone out there suffering from this as well; so, I decided to unpack this feeling through a post instead.
For a second, I thought I was feeling depressed (and was totally going to blame the weather) but as my mind continued to focus on my career and financial goals, I realized that what I'm actually suffering from is Imposter Syndrome.
Thinking back, I'm pretty sure this derived from the pressure my parents would put on me to get straight A's (sounds like a poor excuse, I know).
Because society has correlated success with a biased grading system, I was always deemed average or below average.
There were certain academic areas in which I flourished (anything involving reading and projects), and then there were others I totally bombed no matter how much tutoring I received (anything Science and Math related).
I legit felt incapable of learning anything in Science and Math and started to completely reject any attempts from the instructor to teach me (I was too embarrassed). It wasn't until I had Physics in high school that I actually learned to not look to the U.S grading system for validation. I had a classmate (I guess they're considered a lab partner?), Eduardo who was actually pretty good at this stuff that I had to sit with for that entire class. Bless his patience; I don't know how he put up with my confused ass, but I actually had a lot of fun learning equations to find the velocity of a vehicle that fell of a cliff (Eduardo, if you're reading this, thanks man).
Granted I never got an A in the class (LOL), but I did earn a C.
Earn is the key word.
There were a few classes that I did earn A's in, but majority of those classes consisted of material that came easy to me. So to say that I was prouder of my C than I was of my A for an easy class, confused some people.
The thing is, I love to learn. Struggling in Physics and hitting those milestones of understanding truly gave me that sense of accomplishment that a mere letter never will. The problem was, though, that my parents didn't mirror my sense of accomplishment (for the record, I have very loving parents, but they are human).
When I was kicked out of NIU and made it to the Dean's list every semester at Daley College, and earned the team Captain spot for the soccer team, my dad was still too disappointed with my academic dismissal to even acknowledge my attempts to redeem myself.
Little by little, this sense of inadequacy was ingrained into my psyche by my emotional experiences with life. My attempts at growth repeatedly told me I was not enough, and that hurts.
There's no growth in comfort; therefore, attempts at growth leave you vulnerable.
I am ambitious.
I will give myself that. Once my mind is set on something, I go at it wholeheartedly (especially when I'm called crazy for even thinking about it, because you know Aries are very stubborn beings).
But I also seek validation, often.
And because I'm invested in creating change for equality and inclusiveness for all, sometimes I feel that I've failed my purpose.
Not being able to afford to send my parents on vacation makes me feel like a failure.
Consistently being stifled in the workplace to create a conducive brave space for young minds to create change through their artistic skills makes me wonder if they (the oppressors) are right.
Like I said, this is an on-going battle; so I don't have any solutions, unfortunately. What does lessen the angst, though, is surrounding myself with people who have completely accepted me (troubles and all) and constantly remind me of my milestones. It also helps to reflect on all the processes and not just the big-picture (Rome was not built in a day).
If there's anything you take from this post, just know that what you're feeling might have a fancy term for it, which means that you're not alone. And if you admire someone's ambition, strength, or anything at all, let them know (they may need a quick reminder of their superpowers).
Genuinely,
Flor E. Carabez, M.Ed
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